{"id":3692,"date":"2019-04-11T07:45:06","date_gmt":"2019-04-11T14:45:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/knowyourteam.com\/blog\/?p=3692"},"modified":"2023-02-26T16:57:29","modified_gmt":"2023-02-27T00:57:29","slug":"leadership-weakness-is-being-too-controlling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/canopy.is\/blog\/2019\/04\/11\/leadership-weakness-is-being-too-controlling\/","title":{"rendered":"Your leadership weakness is being “too controlling.” What to do?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

17 phrases and suggestions to avoid the common leadership weakness of coming across as too controlling as a manager.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Recently, a manager told me how he\u2019d received feedback from his team about his greatest leadership weakness. \u201cI come across as too intense or controlling,\u201d he admitted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genuinely concerned, he then asked me, \u201cWhat can I do to not be that way?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Among all the feedback we receive as managers about our leadership weaknesses<\/a>, coming across as \u201ctoo controlling\u201d might be one of the most difficult to swallow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You get that stuck feeling in your throat because, well, frankly, you feel like you need<\/em> to be controlling, at times. You feel justified. After all, you just want the thing to get done! And record goes to show, sometimes it doesn\u2019t<\/em> get done. So how else are you supposed to communicate the urgency and significance of a deliverable, without coming across as \u201cintense\u201d and \u201ccontrolling\u201d? And who said \u201cintense\u201d and \u201ccontrolling\u201d should be perceived as a negative thing, in the first place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Psychologist Edward Deci has committed his life\u2019s work to answer these questions, researching motivation and the effects of control over the past few decades. What happens when you come across as \u201cintense\u201d or \u201ccontrolling\u201d to someone else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Deci uncovered is stunning. In his studies detailed in his book Why We Do What We Do<\/a>, Deci found that when a person feels pressured or a feeling of control, their performance worsens, the quality of their outcome worsens. And if the effects couldn\u2019t get any more deleterious, the person also learns less during the process and doesn\u2019t enjoy doing the task as much, itself, as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This controlling environment manifests in ways you might expect: A manager uses overtly controlling language (e.g., words like, \u201chave to,\u201d \u201cshould,\u201d and \u201cought\u201d), sets strict deadlines without getting any input from the team, and dangles rewards if only certain behaviors are met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But Deci also found in his research<\/a> how there are more subtle forms of control that we don\u2019t recognize as readily. For example, as a manager, if you praise people only conditionally (say, when you need something according to your<\/em> timeline)\u200a\u2014\u200ayou\u2019re pressuring someone. Or, if you invoke a team member\u2019s guilt by talking about how many hours their team is putting into the project\u200a\u2014\u200athat\u2019s a means of control, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In short, any behavior that\u2019s an attempt to get what you<\/em> want has the potential to come across as \u201ccontrolling\u201d and negatively impact your team\u2019s performance. Despite your best intention not to, if you\u2019re trying to exert influence on someone, that\u2019s going to be picked up by the other person, in some way, shape or form.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So every time you\u2019ve said, \u201cI need this ASAP<\/a> \u201c or \u201cThese are your goals\u2026\u201d or \u201cWe have to do this\u201d\u2026 you\u2019ve in fact unknowingly chipped away and undermined someone\u2019s intrinsic motivation. While your intense and hasty language may seem energizing to you, it comes off as pressuring to the other person. You\u2019ve made them feel more constricted, more on edge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what do you do instead? The good news is that there is an alternative. Deci conducted a study at Xerox Corporation with over 1,000 managers, where he tested a variety of ways to encourage them to act what he deemed more \u201cautonomy-supportive.\u201d<\/em> That is, to focus on increasing an employee\u2019s own intrinsic motivation and be supportive of their freedom, rather than coming across as controlling, as a manager.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Based on Deci\u2019s most notable best practices, here are some key considerations to curb your leadership weakness as a manager to be controlling:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask yourself: What might it feel like to be the other person receiving this?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

You must start with the other person\u2019s perspective. Surely, this sounds a little bit like \u201cEmpathy 101\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200abut it can be hard to internalize that what you<\/em> want might not be what the other person wants. Recognize that there may be a gap, and instead of trying to force the gap closed, consider why they might be separate to begin with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Say goodbye to pressure words.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u201cASAP,\u201d \u201curgent,\u201d \u201cshould,\u201d \u201cmust\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aall of these words incite pressure. There\u2019s a way to make a request without pressuring a person to do it exactly the way you<\/em> think they should. Below, in the \u201c Putting this into practice<\/em> \u201c section, I\u2019ll share specific phrases and questions you can use to avoid using pressuring language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Choices, choices, choices.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Deci performed numerous studies highlighting how optionality and choice enable people to do better work. So when you\u2019re thinking about asking someone to do something, consider the ways in which you can give them as many choices as possible. Read on in the next section (\u201c Putting this into practice<\/em> \u201c), and I\u2019ll share a few examples of exactly how to do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acknowledge the shit.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Coming off as less can controlling can be as straightforward as acknowledging that someone doesn\u2019t<\/em> have a lot of choices. For example, you can say, \u201cI know this sucks\u201d or \u201cI know I\u2019m putting you in a tough spot.\u201d You might be thinking that already in your head\u200a\u2014\u200abut don\u2019t keep that to yourself. Your team will never know you feel for their situation if you never let them know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overstate the reason.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll want to clue someone into why you\u2019re making the request or suggestion. While seemingly obvious, this context\u200a\u2014\u200awhich they unlikely have to the same degree as you, given that you\u2019re exposed to information that they might not have\u200a\u2014\u200ait\u2019s easy for a request to sound more like a demand. It\u2019s hard to understand why you\u2019re being controlling if you\u2019re not explaining why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Putting this into practice<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Hopefully, these suggestions are helpful as you think about how you can avoid this leadership weakness of coming across as less controlling to your team. But most importantly\u200a\u2014\u200aand I think what is most tricky\u200a\u2014\u200ais to find tangible ways to put this into practice. How can you be autonomously supportive, as Deci advises, but specifically<\/em>? What language can you swap out? What phrases can you use? Here are my recommendations that you can use during your next one-on-one meeting:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of saying: \u201cI need this ASAP\u2026\u201d<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Try asking:<\/p>\n\n\n\n